Life Moves On

That's how this summer for me has been.  Life Moves On.  Things are changing and nothing is changing.  I don't know how much you know or don't about my views on change.  In short, I hate it.  I like it when life is good and constant and predictable, until I hate that too.  Change typically upsets me and I retreat into my own little world where everything is okay and I can reiterate to myself who I am and that things will change but that doesn't have to cause an identity crisis.  This is probably sounding pretty confusing now...

You see I'm an idealist.  I like changing things until they fit my ideal and then I don't want them to change.  But constancy starts to feel like a jail after time.  You can't see the years flowing by in quick succession and your "rock in the river" status makes you surprised when everyone has moved on and your still sitting in your happy corner alone.  Or at least you thought you were happy until someone tells you to look around and then you are lonely.

So things are changing around here.  People are leaving from work and finding other jobs in other towns to make themselves happy.  Friends are busy leading their lives and growing their families.  Everyone seems to be happy but me.  It's not that I'm sad, just discontent.  And things are changing for me too.  My embryo transfer cycle is moving forward, things are looking promising and my transfer will happen next Tuesday.  Guess I'll let you know here what the outcome is, though we all know we should hold our breaths until week 12.  But there is so much uncertainty surrounding that.  If the first embryo doesn't make it through the thaw cycle they will have to use the second.  If neither make it then I'm back to square one.  Or if the first doesn't make it and the second does then I won't have a second to try again for a second child.  I'm not sure I have the money to do another IVF cycle. Will I be happy with just one child?  Should I try again?  What if neither make it?  No, don't think negatively.  One WILL make it.  So many questions I can't even write them all down.

There are the constant things too.  Work.  Garden.  Housekeeping.  Reading.  Knitting.  Laundry.  Just keep busy so you won't notice your life is slowing ticking away.  Just keep busy so you don't think about the time wasted.  Just keep busy and it will be okay again before you know it.

So you see, happy and unhappy.  Nervous and calm.  Worried and sure of it.  Waiting for the storm to pass and to be on calmer seas again.

And now that you've read the depressing bit, some pictures of my (surprisingly) vibrant garden.  Thank goodness for a timed watering system!