Blog Challenge Day 30

One last moment.


For my last moment I would like to share where my life is right now.  The moments I have been having are worry about a number of things, being unsure if the path my life is heading down is the right one and a little bit of fear.  For some of you this will be news you've already heard, for others it might be a shock or just something you knew would probably happen given my own creation story.


I am currently working on getting pregnant.


Without a husband.


Which makes it difficult... :)


I started traveling down this path about 2 years ago.  When I was 27, I talked to my lady-doctor about getting pregnant by artificial insemination.  She said I was still so young that I might find somebody and I should give that a try first.  I can't say that I have been the most active in looking for someone, but that I have given it an honest try.  I looked at the guys I knew in college and tried to initiate a relationship with one of them, only to get turned down.  I looked at the guys I worked with that were my age, but none of them saw me as anything more than a friend.  I looked at dating websites and just couldn't build up the courage to go that route.  I honestly believe that I don't initiate the feelings required for a guy to see a girl as more than a friend, and I am okay with that.  So now that my first choice of building a family has fallen through I am moving on to what I always knew was my back up.


Being a child who has lived the life I am going to give my own children, I can truly say that it is a much better life than some kids who had the ideal family.  I was loved and wanted more than anything my mother ever desired, and I knew that.  There was no doubt about who she loved more and there was no pain over sharing me between parents who were separated.  I had the happiest and best childhood ever and I remember crying one night in my bed because I knew I would have to grow up.  I don't think that recreating that for my own kids is doing them a disservice.  I think it is one of the most precious things I can give them. 


So a year later I asked my lady-doctor again and she got me in touch with someone in the medical field who had more recently had artificial insemination to get her children.  She got me in touch with a reproductive doctor in Seattle who I am now working with to get pregnant.  I have been working on getting my cycle regulated since November and am now working on making sure I achieve ovulation so that I can try with some donor samples in the near future.  I have already chosen a donor and was a bit surprised about how that goes now.  When I was conceived the documents about the donor were sealed, as in you'd need to get a court order to see anything about him besides the fact that he was "Northern European".  Today you get baby pictures, height and weight, eye and hair color, ethnicity, current occupation or college degree, family genetic history...the list goes on.  Also the company that I chose that provides the donor sperm informs you that it is basically an open adoption.  The child that is conceived can contact the donor once they turn 18 if they want to.  Neither I nor the donor can make any sort of contact and the donor has signed away all parental rights to the child.  At first I was a bit unsure of this, but even though I was okay with not knowing who my father was my child may not be and they deserve the choice.  I have to say that women who find out they are pregnant by peeing on a stick are lucky, they only have 9 months of worry.  All this time to get everything working properly is way too much time to worry about the possibility that I am making the wrong choice, that this is the wrong path, that I am not ready for it...I have changed my mind twenty times in the last year, and luckily this train is too big to stop, I'm just along for the ride now.


So those are my current moments.  Watching children everywhere, in church, at daycare, at the grocery store, and feeling that empty place in my heart ache.  Sitting at home watching One Born Every Minute and freaking out a little.  Tending my garden, playing on the computer, watching movies and thinking about how I am just living life, but not living it for any purpose.  Knitting baby sweaters and imagining the kids that may wear them someday.  Endless hours, days and months of w...a...i...t...i...n...g.  And hoping that this will all work out.


I hope that you've all enjoyed these blog challenges over the past months.  It helped me to more fully blog about who I am and share with all of you my deeper thoughts at times.  I'll try to continue to blog more openly and expand beyond what's growing in my vegetable garden.  And I only hope for support from you as I move down this uncertain path of life.